Desire's Good Side

In my practice as a Health Coach my clients and I explore how all of the aspects of their lives are effecting their health. We certainly discuss food and nutrition, but we also discuss how their relationships and careers are going, how they are excercising, and what their spiritual life is like. These four areas can deeply effect the food choices people make. They are the lifestyle part of the diet, and we call them Primary Food.

Many of my clients are people of faith. One kind or another, exploring or fully committed, they are operating within a set of beliefs that can be very helpful as a paradigm for talking about some of the things that come up in their sessions. I love the different semantic nuances of each faith's framework. It's like a subtle sauce on a great meal, pulling out deeper flavors of meaning from Big Ideas.

Allow me to indulge in a little background. I think it will at least help you decide whether you care to read on! I don't pretend my perspective is the only one, the right one or even fully developed in any way. I can say it's somewhat informed. I do care. And my journey helps me give others what it seems they need from me as a Coach, which makes me a better and more effective practitioner.

A cradle Episcopalian born of Baltimore society, we did a stint of church shopping in Texas when we lived there, with every imaginable variation, short of including snakes, from Santa Fe to El Paso to Mexico. Even Mormon daycare. Once settled in New York City we went to an Episcopal church in the West Village, where I sang in the choir. It is a very old church with beautiful gardens. There are early drawings of it with farm land all around. It's now in a neighborhood with a largely gay population, and we went to the later service which served the community rather than the church's school. (My mother actually started the AIDS program there, and even did a year of seminary herself).

After the later service, nostrils filled with frankinscence and ears full of incredible music, there was coffee hour and adult education. Being an only child at the adult's service, I sat in on the classes taught by major scholars and theologians from Union, Yale, and other well regarded seminaries and institutions. In my late teens I began to look for my own best path. This led to intense study of Indian mysticism, Kashmir Shaivism and hatha yoga, with forays into everything from Buddhism in the Zen tradition, including macrobiotics, to a glance at yoruba, wicca and a year as a religious anthropology major.

Some of it appears to have rubbed off. At the very least I can say I know my way around an average discussion of religion. Still, I have more questions than answers, generally speaking. That appears to be normal, and many traditions agree it's perfectly healthy. I bow to their superior wisdom.

One of my client sessions includes the concept of a Desires List. Deepak Chopra is a guest instructor at Institute for Integrative Nutrition, so it's not surprising to have one of the many ideas we share with our clients be influenced by him and the traditions from which he draws.

He said in our lecture that when we truly visualize an outcome we choose, with all of the details, it already exists.

Well, that's a pale shadow of what he said. I remember feeling my mind fairly exploding with each new part of his talk, but if you accept the premise that visualization works, and there is a fair quantity of research to support this notion, then it follows that such a thing as a Desires List will be a good step in the right direction, especially when it includes gratitude in the steps.

Some of my clients see this and think it's just a handy little practice to try. Some stick with it, and others don't. Some view it as another form of prayer, and getting very specific in prayer is something they're used to. Most find it tricky, whether because of religious warnings against asking for things for oneself, or because there is no existing structure in their faith for requests, or because it feels petty and wrong to bother God for such little things, or because of societal, familial, psychological and emotional barriers having nothing to do with religion.

The bottom line is we all have trouble asking for things for ourselves, that's the reality of the situation, and why it's such an important practice. Even if no one else ever sees the list! Just writing it down has tremendous power.

With a spiritual spin, just because I find it helpful and deeper, and it seems to work better when used this way, here is my defence of the Desires List practice. Take what works for you and leave the rest! And please keep in mind this is an in-depth look at only one of hundreds of ideas I offer to clients in my practice.

Desires List: An Apology

Neglected in many faiths is a rubric for specific requests. Perhaps it rightly makes us nervous--that "be careful what you ask for" warning is there for a reason. At the same time the world is an abundant place, dripping with luxury. Dragonflies that are blue, but with red wings, out in the middle of swamps. Who sees these? Sunrises just as gorgeous on deserted beaches as in big cities. Babies' giggles. To me these things and so many others represent in a sensory way the depth and abundance of Love in the grandest sense. With abundance in mind we approach the outrageous practice of specific requests in our lives.

Clarifying the specific things we want, the things that are on a secret, unwritten list in our minds anyway, can be a powerful tool for moving us away from repetitive mind loops of desire and anger and towards having openness to the aforementioned abundance.

We all have what are called ANTs, Automatic Negative Thoughts (a term coined by Dr. Amen). In fact research shows something like 90% of what floats through our minds at any given time is negative (this is a pdf of the study). It's built in, and part of what the struggle for civilization is based on. It's why people value the arts and education so highly, for instance, because they let us glimpse our best selves.

So in the practice of identifying, specifically, the things we want, we are being honest with ourselves about what goes through our minds anyway. We are clarifying what is allowed to go through our minds because putting things on paper releases them from our neural loops. Like making any other list, it lets our minds let go of "keeping" these things without actually having these things. Keeping them mentally is perhaps more problematic than not, an involuntary idolatry in a way. And our brains run off without our express consent, making implied consent of our inaction regarding these particular mental habits. By making a list, which can feel so audacious, I know, we are taking control of at least that portion of our minds, and that creates room for Grace.

In Buddhism there is a practice called mindfulness. In mindfulness practice we approach all we do with some examined thought and with intent, fully engaged in the present. I think there is humility in this, knowing we have to actually work at keeping things cleared out and uncluttered even in our own thought patterns, and even work at being happy. It is this minduflness and self compassion that make us better able to help others.

When we're not sure where our energy goes it's easy to feel like life just happens to us. But knowing now about ANTs, and their 90% frequency when unchecked, you can take some control of how your mind is engaged. Many practices exist to help us here. Catholicism has Opus Dei, there is the aforementioned mindfulness practice in Buddhism, in Hinduism mantra (devotional verbal repetitions) and seva (selfless service) are used to find the Absolute, or Presence, in the small things of daily life. And it's those small last bits, with the proverbial devil in the details, that we are likely to overlook. Hidden in plain sight are the things most in our way. For more on how to tame thoughts, see this excellent three-part article by UrbanMonk.

Whether or not we are using any spiritual practice like prayer, contemplation, stillness, yoga, chanting & song, meditation, service or offering we can still engage in the practice of visualization both alone and in community. This helps release the mind from worrying over details ineffectively, as the written form of a desire is much less unruly, easier to let go of, and therefore (in my experience) more likely to come to fruition. So the writing down of a clarified version is like cleaning out the rooms of our mind and spirit. You are telling your mind to stop worrying (worry is not a position of faith or hope, totally unproductive), and to let go (thereby allowing room for Grace) so you can get on with more fully living. It may seem counter-intuitive to think of desire as a worry, but just listen to a child who really wants something, and you'll easily hear the inverse relationship.

While it's true most people choke on the notion of asking right out for things for themselves, it seems more women in my practice than men need an extra push here. So to women specifically I offer one last reason we should do the Desires List. It comes from psychology, and with deep apologies to psychologists everywhere who may cringe at my religio-pop-psych mashup that follows!

Certain generalized women (so I can make my point), especially many mothers, spend most of their time being other-oriented. Unlike certain generalized men (bear with me), who often really do need the pulpit admonishments to think of others and serve, serve, serve, these women (please!) think often of their families and communities, and do in fact serve, serve, serve. Many men are like this too, so if this applies to you, go with it.

It's an important thing to fill our cup now and then, to have an answer to "what do you want for your birthday?", to allow others to show their care for us by giving us representations of that care in the form of things, acts of service and fun adventures together. Our Desires List gives that part of life worth living some better focus, and makes it easier for the right helping hands to comfort and hold us with Love whether we think we need it or not. It allows us to let in the love of our families and communities, and to receive, which is sometimes hard. It is humbling to be on the receiving end, and that's a good thing. Because only then we can more humbly serve others knowing how those who need most may find it hardest to receive, having felt it ourselves.

The desires list should be both easy and difficult for all of these reasons. When you engage in this process you'll also find yourself with much more gratitude, an interesting effect. And gratitude makes us happier and our lives feel more full!

If you're still reading, bless you, and namaste! I recommend the powerful practice of articulating your desires on a written list. You don't have to show anyone, just having it written down will amaze you. And remember the gratitude!